Fifteen and a Beauty Queen

I hope you learn that the ability to listen is a virtue

I hope your curiosity peaks in affairs that do not concern you

I hope you see that a whisper is more beneficial a scream

I hope you use you time to benefit intellectually instead of choosing to waste away

I hope you learn vicariously and become humble

I hope you can identify your own beauty without scorning another’s plainness

I hope you enjoy the people around you, they won’t always be

I hope you look for love but do not let it consume your journeys as a person

I hope when you fall in love with someone you let them compliment you and not take over your vivacious spirit

And when a love is lost I pray you do not let the mourning take over your life

"Without self-confidence we are as
babes in the cradle" -Virginia Woolf

I hope you smile more often than you frown

I hope you laugh more than you cry

I hope that you find joy in simplicy but  marvel at complexity

I hope you live out the things you dream of and gain wisdom from your experirnces

I hope that you live the life you hope for now

I hope you find an unknown confidence in yourself

I hope you raise beutiful children and find yourself a good parent

I hope you die regretless

"Blame it on my A.D.D., Baby"

i have nothing to write about except for how much i hate you. or dont hate you. how much i try not to think about what happened. but really its gentle wisps of hatered/judgement or meer vanity carrying me on a tyrant.

all i write about is 'growing' from my past..lets be real? nothing to brag about. as an entire species that is what we do; we grow from our pasts.

suppose i ought to persue my lost creativity.

angst&vanity

They say one mans trash is anothers treasure. perheps ones emtyness is anothers fullness.

too bad im on the empty side today.

lyric workshop (May 2011)

he loses me, and i lose a tiny piece of myself.

so long my luckless romance

my back is turned on you

should've known you'd bring me heart ache

almost lovers always do
-A Fine Frenzy

I should regret it all more than i do.

it's a shame to love and lose

but i wont forget you

rip my heart out so i can show you

im strong enough

-The Whitney Myer Band

born to be born again & again

  you cant love me? bacause i cant find you. i cant see you. because i cant see me. i cant be me around you. you arnt even you in my head, because i cant be me. i dont look at me. i look away from me. you would too.

  some things are good. some things are great others feel right. right right right.. i want to feel right all the time. i want to know who me is. not the flimsy shape of me who is head strong yet easily contorted. none of it is me. its all a trial of me. its moving the puzzle piece around to see if the edges fit. they dont. they never do. i know part of me. pieces fit in here and there. the rest is filled with idling passion, angst, and insecurity.

each day i wake and paint a face on. the one i like to see in mirrors. the one i smile with. the one my eyes sparkle at you with. i am comfortable in that skin. it is one of the few things i enjoy in myself.

  the rest is an abyss. this, this emptyness. this nothingness in me binds my mouth and keeps my body from action. this is what keeps me alone at night and quite during the day. i read to be someone else. someone who knows who they are. conviction. its the goal. though missing half of myself, its hard to stand on anything. certain things, the ones that feel right, those ones, i know. they are the right pieces that burn the passion that yearns to be let out. with few opinions there is little passion to be spent. little pulse to be felt in the veins of my mind.

  i dont know enough. i dont live. i dont experience life. i take leaps when i have to and sprint back into my comfort zones. 1 forward, 2 back. i am soft bodied. i do not benifit from the things around me. i go throught the motion. i slide by. i could do better in every area. instead i sit lost in my own head. 

  insecurity is supposed to be the cause of all downfall. right? so i start a quest for myself there. to find myself outside to inside. Sure its unorthodox. narmalcy is a joke anyway.

this moon

tat.tat.tat. tat.tat.tat. the notes. they wake me. shake me, tear me from this deep dark place.
words. raspy, strained, draining words.

I'm so much better than the way I let you treat me. Driving my own sanity away. I failed myself. Letting you in, at all. I'm letting myself out. Done. Game Over. No more thinking of you. Or the non-us. Done with doubting myself. No more settling. ever.
Weakness is all you ever were in me. and now im stronger. some 5 monthes later, im not damaged. im not broken. i'll never feed into you or anyone like you again. mark these words. ive seen the brightness , darkness'll not suffice.


"Sail with me into the dark"

i just thought you should know

   I missed your kiss on New Years. And for monthes, after, I ached for the feel of your lips.

   But i couldn't do it. If i kissed you it made it real. All of it: our conversations, the feelings, your scent saved to the hard drive in my head, the time i'd spent with you, real. If i didnt kiss you....if your breath never merged with mine, then I could continue to pretend that you didnt mean everything very much to me. Simply pretend I didnt know your inner workings. Pretend I didnt worry or think of you always. If I allowed myself to leave with the feel of your lips on my skin, I couldnt keep away. I wouldnt be capable of seeing you with someone else, if i kissed you... If I kissed you, I wouldnt be able to let you go.
   Your thoughts, your words, your beautiful figure consumed consume my mind for hours on end.  you you you on my mind. I wanted so badly to make you happy. to ask. to request you be mine and only mine.
   But in doing so I'd take a leap. a leap I couldnt bear taking for fear of failing you.

  I went the cowardly route. I let you go, I let the fear subside.

born rights

I need to see rent..